Tag Archives: mental health

Another food battle

I guess this isn’t so much a battle as a personal issue in my work to repair my relationship with food, but I digress.

Today, my husband and I were debating where to get food for dinner. My first thought was Panda Express, but since it was only him going, I knew the ordering of food would be… eh, difficult? I think that’s the simplest way to put it without sounding like a complete jackass.

So I was like, ok how about Subway instead? After an interesting exchange about the stereotypes of women not being able to make up their minds with food, we landed on that second choice of Subway.

I got a spicy Italian (something I haven’t had in years, but I had a hankering for it), with lettuce, bell peppers, and strangely enough, red onions. Why is it strange, you might ask unless you literally could not care less? Well, I’m not overly fond of any type of onion, let alone in sandwiches but for some reason, I just really wanted red freakin’ onions!

My husband got home, we ate our sandwiches (I added some of my sliced jalapenos from the fridge) while watching another episode of Dexter (*spoiler alert* the one where Miguel cheats on his wife with LaGuerta). After we finished our sandwiches, my husband mentioned he bought some chocolate chip cookies too.

Here’s the thing. Last night on snapchat, my friend posted her freshly baked chocolate chunk cookies. I could practically taste them, and I don’t even like sweets. My husband is the cookie monster in this household!

So I had an inner debate on whether or not I should take one. I was full, so I didn’t need it. But that craving from last night could be satisfied still, right? The extra calories might not be worth it though…

After the back and forth, I decided to take one. I bit into it’s chewy exterior and savored the flavor of… soap. Why did my chocolate chip cookie taste like something I’d wash my dishes with?

I relayed the thought to my husband, who found no issue with his own cookie, and couldn’t help feel disappointed, and confused.

Was this a sign that I shouldn’t have taken a cookie? Were my taste buds mixing signals? Was my medication affecting taste now, too? Ever since starting, I’ve definitely noticed a difference in what I gravitate towards with my food.

Hopefully I can take the next couple of weeks to reflect and answer those questions, to pay attention to my emotions and thought processes when I eat. Maybe then I’ll be able to shut down the negative feelings. A girl can hope!

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The Struggle Is REAL (and other updates)

Oh goodness, what’s it been? Three weeks?? 100% my bad!

Last week, I did a week of Whitney (which I’ll share with you guys in April when I do it again) but I couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to write a post. My meds have made me both nauseous and fatigued ever since I started them last month!

I’m getting ahead of myself already. Hi, hello, how are ya? Enjoying the weather change? We, the desert people, got SNOW last month. WHAT??

It was cold, but I miss it already. Earlier this week, it ended up getting pretty cold again and the mountains got some snow, but unfortunately, that cold crunchy goodness didn’t make its way back to us. Excuse me while I cry in my corner.

The transition from February to March was a rough one, mainly because of my meds but ever since my body has started adjusting (other than the fatigue and nausea which persist every day), I’ve come to a point of clarity: where I need to put more focus in, what I’ve decided to scrap, realizing that I need to hit the reset button on a few parts of my life.

This is gonna be a long one, I think, so strap in.

For starters, (beating a dead horse here but) my meds have definitely evened me out, though I still dip into my dissociative states. The only time I have any physiological anxiety symptoms is if I drink too much caffeine. Incidentally, the past week and a half of drinking coffee or espresso has resulted in some pretty bad cases of nausea, so I’ve stopped drinking my favorite beverage.

As for my physical well being. My March goals have basically been to work out 3-4 times a week, which I can proudly say I’ve accomplished! I mean, so far, it’s still only halfway through the month lol

Moving on to my YouTube channels: I privated most of my videos on my macrobabe channel because I felt like vlogging just wasn’t fun anymore, and if I vlog I want it to be because I have something of value to say or share, but not vlogging has shown me that I enjoy being present and not recording every moment of my life. It’s a lot more work than some folks realize. My booktube is still active because bookish goals are what I’m focusing on at the moment, and my commentary channel has slowed down in terms of content, because of my March goals.

Regarding my March goals, the main goal has been to flesh out and start writing my second novella, and plot the third. Since my other laptop died, I lost 99% of the information I had on the second in the series, which I think is a bit of a blessing. I dove head first rather than re-acquainting myself with my characters.

I’ve been doing tons of reading this month as well, 50% have been audiobooks, my new love. An audiobook I’m listening to currently is May Cause Miracles – a spirit junkie book that helped me a ton when I was having a hard time with my anxiety and identity issues a year and a half ago, so I want to see if I can start the 40 day program again with similar results. I felt so much better about myself when I did it, so it’s worth a shot, right?

On to a more serious topic that I’ve barely scratched the surface of on my commentary channel, and I told a few friends and my husband that I would be keeping things anonymous, should I decide to talk about it more:

I made a friend last year that pretty much turned my entire world upside down. I had a growing relationship with a group of people that she was a part of, and upon sparking a friendship with me, she made me think she was just like me – a mom trying to stay healthy, dealing with some mental health issues. I didn’t realize that it was likely a manipulation tactic.

She made it clear that there was a bitterness over how I was being treated by everyone else, and hinted that our friendship would cause a rift in the group, which I didn’t understand, I figured this would bring everyone closer together.

She slowly integrated gossip into our conversations which used to revolve around pregnancy, past abuse, depression and anxiety, and getting healthy. Through this gossip, she made me believe that everyone in the group would use her and then intentionally exclude her or make her feel bad about herself.

Eventually she told me about anyone who was her enemy at the time and complain about them, sharing their very personal information with me (whether it was her dad, her brother, her boyfriend, her long distance bff, her bff in the group, coworkers, everyone). I told her at the start of our friendship that I’m an open book, but I’m not graceful when it comes to social settings so if I mess up, just tell me.

At the time, I didn’t act out of malicious intent because I liked everyone, and I kept things in perspective. If person A snapped at me, I didn’t take it personally because I knew what person A was going through. She would take everything person A did to her as a personal assault against her, until I swooped in and reminded her that they were going through a lot! In terms of her, I was the first person she talked to whenever she was going through something. I’d gas her up, give her advice.

At one point she told me that I shouldn’t trust a person she and I were communicating with because that person was telling everyone else what the three of us talked about – what, jokes and the fact that she complained about the rest of the group not wanting the new person around? Direct quote: “Be careful, becauseĀ person A told me you weren’t welcome at her house.” If you heard from a third party that you weren’t welcome in someone else’s home, wouldn’t you want to clear things up with the person directly? But I shouldn’t trust her because she confronted a pretty big issue head-on, something that I wasn’t even involved in?

Then she started talking about how everyone else talked about me behind my back. They would allegedly call me weird (and she claimed to defend me), they’d make fun of my wedding ideas, make fun of my body and my anxiety. She happened to be there every single time they talked about me, so that should have been a red flag. And yet I was dumb enough to believe her. I ended the friendship with a sense of uncertainty on how much she influenced the divide between what could have been a great relationship between me and everyone else – though I know there were other factors in that, but their actions against my family was too much at the time.

Before I ended the friendship, I gave her a heads up a month in advance that I was going to remove everyone from social media and get some space to get my head on right. I had already removed a couple people because of their actions (both directly and through the grapevine, to my knowledge my worst offense was being socially inept).

I truly think she used my removing her from social media as an excuse to tell everyone else that I was a bad friend, a bad mom, a bad everything – when the day before she would tell me how great I was, proud of my successes, happy that my husband and I found a new place, telling me that things would be so much better at the new place.

It makes me wonder what type of mask she was wearing when I wasn’t around. There were red flags, but I remained optimistic, until she continued to harass me via other people.

Anyway, why am I bringing all of that old news up, you may ask?

Well, it’s come to my attention that a get together is happening in June (or is it July? I can’t remember) with this group (minus the former friend that I spent way too long talking about above), and my husband wants me to go. Do I want to go? Not particularly, because of how I was treated by the other members of the group, which I feel was unwarranted – especially given that I asked one person who had a huge problem with me, unknown how much of that was influenced by the former friend, if we could sit down and talk. I wanted to get a better understanding of why she felt resentment towards me or why she felt that I was fake for being friends with someone who was supposed to be her best friend, if there was a way I could fix things, or if there was a personality flaw that I needed to work on, or maybe it was something going on with her. The talk never happened so all of that was left unanswered and I kinda just gave up.

So now I’m at a point of having to decide if I want to put myself in a position that might set me back mentally, for the sake of my family. We’ll see how the next couple months go. Like I said above, maybe I need to hit the reset button?

OH! I almost forget to mention that St. Patrick’s Day is this Sunday so obviously I’m gonna have to make a post with some food. Look out for that! Until next time!

Quick Update!

This week is the last week I’ll be doing “measure-in Mondays”. No, I’m not going to stop tracking my progress, but I AM switching from measuring on Monday to measuring on Friday!

My husband brought up a really good point on tracking progress, and how the weekend may come with some bloat (I’m terrible at tracking my water which tends to result in bloating).

Since today is Friday – and officially the last day of Summer, woohoo, bring on pumpkin flavored everything – it’s time to measure! The past three weeks I’ve seen an overall loss of 2.5 inches. Since Monday, I’ve seen a loss of 1/2 an inch.

My Fall quarterly goal (September/October/November) was to lose 2 inches around my hips, and I’m half of an inch from meeting that goal. It’s not even October yet!

Keep in mind, I haven’t really restricted anything except for not eating Taco Bell at the frequency I had been, which was twice or thrice a month. I also don’t generally eat red meat, but I had steak last week and I had regular bacon yesterday morning.

I’m also getting at least 6 hours of sleep at night, I’ve been doing stretches in the morning and evening, I’m tracking my water and meeting that goal almost every single day, and I’ve removed a lot of stressors that prevented me from losing fat this past summer.

It’s a slow process, but it is still going! Thank you for all of you who have stuck by me on this journey, and have an amazing weekend!

Lessons We Learn From Autumn

In a couple days, Fall will have arrived! This season is one of my favorites for a number of reasons:

  • Scratch baking/cooking: pumpkin pie, turkey (though I haven’t mastered it completely), fall cookies, apple crisps, mashed potatoes, hearty soups
  • Pumpkin flavored everything!!!
  • Fall crafts: creating wreaths, hand turkeys, carving pumpkins
  • Hayrides, corn mazes, haunted houses
  • Halloween!!!
  • Thanksgiving!!!!
  • Cold weather (or cool weather if you live in the desert like we do)
  • Hot drinks: cider, cocoa, PSL, tea
  • Cozy clothes

But this season serves an even greater purpose – and no, I’m not talking about how it’s finally cool enough to run without the discomfort of external heat! Fall serves as the perfect metaphor for self-improvement and moving on.

The most obvious part of Fall is change. Leaves turn colors, the weather shifts from hot to cool, the nights get longer and the days shorter. Nature welcomes the change. What we can learn from nature and its constant shifts, is to embrace the changes.

Maybe a relationship or friendship ended, you got fired, you found out a friend is moving away, or you have to move away. No one said change was easy, and if Fall could speak, I’m sure it’d say how brutal it can be. But sometimes you just need to ride it like a wave.

Another thing Autumn teaches us is to let things go. Trees lose their leaves, but they do not wilt and die as a result of the loss. They regrow! I had a talk with my oldest son recently. He said he wished he could forget something mean he heard someone say. I told him, it’s important that you don’t forget, but you can forgive – just let go of the anger or hurt, and move on, focus on the good. Mean people are usually just mad at themselves and it has nothing to do with you or anyone they’re mean to.

I don’t forget every vile thing someone has said to or about me, or the gossip another person tells me. But I’ve learned that these are not the people who will stick around in the long run. They aren’t going to serve as anything more than lessons on the human condition.

Nature shifts so drastically in the seasons. Leaves change their color, they fall, and then the trees grow new leaves, sometimes even fruit! Without Autumn and Winter, we wouldn’t have Spring and Summer. Every season serves a purpose, which shows us that there are greater things to come. There are bigger and better things on the horizon, you just need to push through the hard times.

This season, try to appreciate the little things. Treat yourself, take a moment to enjoy the smell of rain, make yourself a cup of steaming hot chocolate, snuggle up with a book or Netflix, spend a little longer in the decorations section than you normally would, sniff the hell out of those fall candles! We all have responsibilities, but make sure you’re taking care of yourself as the season changes. Don’t let anyone shame you or drag you down for enjoying life!

 

The Perks of Mental Growth

I read a quote the other day from Dita von Teese and I absolutely loved it. I’ve seen it around for a few years now, but it’s just really starting to hit me on how accurate it is.

This just hits me on so many different levels. I try my best to be positive and send good vibes out into the world, but if I have a bad day or write something negative on my social media, there have been people who said I’m fake because of that.

A lot of what I do, I do it for myself, for my family, my friends. I don’t generally do things to get on anyone’s good side. I don’t feel like that’s necessary. If my energy attracts you, then great. If not, that’s fine too.

What I think a lot of folks have a hard time grasping is that you don’t need to be friends with everyone. There are people who don’t like Cassey Ho, who is sunshine in human form, because they think she’s fake. She’s human, and I’m sure she gets sad or mad sometimes, but that doesn’t mean all the times that she’s doing her blogilates she’s fake. She’s better at compartmentalizing those negative emotions.

I’m not saying you should be rude or mean, or even ignore those who you know don’t like you, or don’t want to be around you. That’s not necessary, you can still be cordial. But if there’s one piece of advice I can give to you guys, it’s not to compromise yourself to fit what you think others want from you. I’m sarcastic sometimes, I’m extremely positive sometimes, I’m a disciplinarian sometimes, etc. I’m not going to stop being me just because someone else doesn’t like me.

 

Relapsing | Part of the Process

It’s Friday, or French Fries-Yay!

If you haven’t kept up with my youtube channel, you may not know of the struggle I’ve been going through as of late, and I really don’t go that in depth on my most recent video. So here’s my chance to explain how things are going, in real time. If you’d like to check out the video before continuing, it’s right here:

 

I’ve found that I’m still having these very destructive, disordered thoughts running through my brain. Whenever I have to decide what to eat, it feels like there’s this violent onslaught of extreme self-deprecation. Last night, I wanted to make something easy after my workout, so I made a protein shake and had a small bowl of pasta. I really wish I had taken a picture so you could understand what I mean when I say I’m very conscious of how little I’m consuming, but I’m struggling to actually go through the act of consuming.

I know better than to expect my mind to fix itself over night. I know better than to assume it’s going to just fix itself altogether. I’ve been preoccupying myself with my three separate youtube channels, my novel, my reading goals, and my family. I’m constantly working at building my empire, so much so that when I finally managed to stop, this very morning – staring at the poptart that my son didn’t finish, debating whether or not I really wanted to put something like that in my body – I realized that the very foundation of my empire is based around health, physical and mental.

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After being pregnant and giving birth twice – the latter being the healthiest mental state I had ever been in – I never thought I would relapse. Understand that I don’t mean to trivialize those with substance abuse problems; that’s a huge battle in itself for so many people. I’m not really sure what the proper term to use would be when it’s been more mental than physical.

I know that this still wasn’t as eloquent as I’m trying to convey, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. I expect a lot of frustration, anxiety, and self-deprecation in my future, but know that it’s not a battle I’m going to just roll over for, just because the opponent seems so daunting.

I’m in this battle to win. And I will.