Tag Archives: ed recovery

Oh, My Gourd! | Monday Check-In

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone! The food was great, although I wasn’t able to eat as much as I would have liked due to poisoning myself with milk earlier in the day. Ever since the season started, I keep forgetting to ask for my peppermint mocha to come with soy instead of regular cow’s milk.

Continue reading Oh, My Gourd! | Monday Check-In

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It’s Been A Minute | Two Weeks Later

It’s been two entire weeks since my post regarding the relapse of my eating disorder and I want you all to know that while my mental state isn’t perfect, I’m doing so much better than I was.

In that two week period, I’m pleased to say that I went from munching far and few in between, to eating meals again. There are moments where an irrational part of my brain tells me I’m hurting my body, but the logical part is telling me that I am fueling my body!

Right now is the time I need it the most. The weather is changing, so I know that my weight will fluctuate and I’ll need a little more insulation – and guys, it gets ice cold at night here!

This month I’m finishing a novel that has been on my mind for almost the entire year of 2017, and I hit a slump but with National Novel Writing Month, I’ve decided to really kick it into high gear.

I haven’t exercised once all week (unless you count the walk I went on with my friend who visited). Luckily, I have no health goals for this entire month besides eat regularly and exercise as often as I can. I’ll be taking a photo and posting it on my private Instagram just in case, but I’m certain this month will be very writing-centric.

I’ve already decided that Thanksgiving will be the only day I put any effort into being social and my significant other seems impressed with my determination. Now let’s put that determination to the test and see if I can finish this novel!

All in all, I’m feeling good, albeit a little disorganized. Until next time!

 

Relapsing | Part of the Process

It’s Friday, or French Fries-Yay!

If you haven’t kept up with my youtube channel, you may not know of the struggle I’ve been going through as of late, and I really don’t go that in depth on my most recent video. So here’s my chance to explain how things are going, in real time. If you’d like to check out the video before continuing, it’s right here:

 

I’ve found that I’m still having these very destructive, disordered thoughts running through my brain. Whenever I have to decide what to eat, it feels like there’s this violent onslaught of extreme self-deprecation. Last night, I wanted to make something easy after my workout, so I made a protein shake and had a small bowl of pasta. I really wish I had taken a picture so you could understand what I mean when I say I’m very conscious of how little I’m consuming, but I’m struggling to actually go through the act of consuming.

I know better than to expect my mind to fix itself over night. I know better than to assume it’s going to just fix itself altogether. I’ve been preoccupying myself with my three separate youtube channels, my novel, my reading goals, and my family. I’m constantly working at building my empire, so much so that when I finally managed to stop, this very morning – staring at the poptart that my son didn’t finish, debating whether or not I really wanted to put something like that in my body – I realized that the very foundation of my empire is based around health, physical and mental.

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After being pregnant and giving birth twice – the latter being the healthiest mental state I had ever been in – I never thought I would relapse. Understand that I don’t mean to trivialize those with substance abuse problems; that’s a huge battle in itself for so many people. I’m not really sure what the proper term to use would be when it’s been more mental than physical.

I know that this still wasn’t as eloquent as I’m trying to convey, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. I expect a lot of frustration, anxiety, and self-deprecation in my future, but know that it’s not a battle I’m going to just roll over for, just because the opponent seems so daunting.

I’m in this battle to win. And I will.