Another food battle

I guess this isn’t so much a battle as a personal issue in my work to repair my relationship with food, but I digress.

Today, my husband and I were debating where to get food for dinner. My first thought was Panda Express, but since it was only him going, I knew the ordering of food would be… eh, difficult? I think that’s the simplest way to put it without sounding like a complete jackass.

So I was like, ok how about Subway instead? After an interesting exchange about the stereotypes of women not being able to make up their minds with food, we landed on that second choice of Subway.

I got a spicy Italian (something I haven’t had in years, but I had a hankering for it), with lettuce, bell peppers, and strangely enough, red onions. Why is it strange, you might ask unless you literally could not care less? Well, I’m not overly fond of any type of onion, let alone in sandwiches but for some reason, I just really wanted red freakin’ onions!

My husband got home, we ate our sandwiches (I added some of my sliced jalapenos from the fridge) while watching another episode of Dexter (*spoiler alert* the one where Miguel cheats on his wife with LaGuerta). After we finished our sandwiches, my husband mentioned he bought some chocolate chip cookies too.

Here’s the thing. Last night on snapchat, my friend posted her freshly baked chocolate chunk cookies. I could practically taste them, and I don’t even like sweets. My husband is the cookie monster in this household!

So I had an inner debate on whether or not I should take one. I was full, so I didn’t need it. But that craving from last night could be satisfied still, right? The extra calories might not be worth it though…

After the back and forth, I decided to take one. I bit into it’s chewy exterior and savored the flavor of… soap. Why did my chocolate chip cookie taste like something I’d wash my dishes with?

I relayed the thought to my husband, who found no issue with his own cookie, and couldn’t help feel disappointed, and confused.

Was this a sign that I shouldn’t have taken a cookie? Were my taste buds mixing signals? Was my medication affecting taste now, too? Ever since starting, I’ve definitely noticed a difference in what I gravitate towards with my food.

Hopefully I can take the next couple of weeks to reflect and answer those questions, to pay attention to my emotions and thought processes when I eat. Maybe then I’ll be able to shut down the negative feelings. A girl can hope!

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The Struggle Is REAL (and other updates)

Oh goodness, what’s it been? Three weeks?? 100% my bad!

Last week, I did a week of Whitney (which I’ll share with you guys in April when I do it again) but I couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to write a post. My meds have made me both nauseous and fatigued ever since I started them last month!

I’m getting ahead of myself already. Hi, hello, how are ya? Enjoying the weather change? We, the desert people, got SNOW last month. WHAT??

It was cold, but I miss it already. Earlier this week, it ended up getting pretty cold again and the mountains got some snow, but unfortunately, that cold crunchy goodness didn’t make its way back to us. Excuse me while I cry in my corner.

The transition from February to March was a rough one, mainly because of my meds but ever since my body has started adjusting (other than the fatigue and nausea which persist every day), I’ve come to a point of clarity: where I need to put more focus in, what I’ve decided to scrap, realizing that I need to hit the reset button on a few parts of my life.

This is gonna be a long one, I think, so strap in.

For starters, (beating a dead horse here but) my meds have definitely evened me out, though I still dip into my dissociative states. The only time I have any physiological anxiety symptoms is if I drink too much caffeine. Incidentally, the past week and a half of drinking coffee or espresso has resulted in some pretty bad cases of nausea, so I’ve stopped drinking my favorite beverage.

As for my physical well being. My March goals have basically been to work out 3-4 times a week, which I can proudly say I’ve accomplished! I mean, so far, it’s still only halfway through the month lol

Moving on to my YouTube channels: I privated most of my videos on my macrobabe channel because I felt like vlogging just wasn’t fun anymore, and if I vlog I want it to be because I have something of value to say or share, but not vlogging has shown me that I enjoy being present and not recording every moment of my life. It’s a lot more work than some folks realize. My booktube is still active because bookish goals are what I’m focusing on at the moment, and my commentary channel has slowed down in terms of content, because of my March goals.

Regarding my March goals, the main goal has been to flesh out and start writing my second novella, and plot the third. Since my other laptop died, I lost 99% of the information I had on the second in the series, which I think is a bit of a blessing. I dove head first rather than re-acquainting myself with my characters.

I’ve been doing tons of reading this month as well, 50% have been audiobooks, my new love. An audiobook I’m listening to currently is May Cause Miracles – a spirit junkie book that helped me a ton when I was having a hard time with my anxiety and identity issues a year and a half ago, so I want to see if I can start the 40 day program again with similar results. I felt so much better about myself when I did it, so it’s worth a shot, right?

On to a more serious topic that I’ve barely scratched the surface of on my commentary channel, and I told a few friends and my husband that I would be keeping things anonymous, should I decide to talk about it more:

I made a friend last year that pretty much turned my entire world upside down. I had a growing relationship with a group of people that she was a part of, and upon sparking a friendship with me, she made me think she was just like me – a mom trying to stay healthy, dealing with some mental health issues. I didn’t realize that it was likely a manipulation tactic.

She made it clear that there was a bitterness over how I was being treated by everyone else, and hinted that our friendship would cause a rift in the group, which I didn’t understand, I figured this would bring everyone closer together.

She slowly integrated gossip into our conversations which used to revolve around pregnancy, past abuse, depression and anxiety, and getting healthy. Through this gossip, she made me believe that everyone in the group would use her and then intentionally exclude her or make her feel bad about herself.

Eventually she told me about anyone who was her enemy at the time and complain about them, sharing their very personal information with me (whether it was her dad, her brother, her boyfriend, her long distance bff, her bff in the group, coworkers, everyone). I told her at the start of our friendship that I’m an open book, but I’m not graceful when it comes to social settings so if I mess up, just tell me.

At the time, I didn’t act out of malicious intent because I liked everyone, and I kept things in perspective. If person A snapped at me, I didn’t take it personally because I knew what person A was going through. She would take everything person A did to her as a personal assault against her, until I swooped in and reminded her that they were going through a lot! In terms of her, I was the first person she talked to whenever she was going through something. I’d gas her up, give her advice.

At one point she told me that I shouldn’t trust a person she and I were communicating with because that person was telling everyone else what the three of us talked about – what, jokes and the fact that she complained about the rest of the group not wanting the new person around? Direct quote: “Be careful, because person A told me you weren’t welcome at her house.” If you heard from a third party that you weren’t welcome in someone else’s home, wouldn’t you want to clear things up with the person directly? But I shouldn’t trust her because she confronted a pretty big issue head-on, something that I wasn’t even involved in?

Then she started talking about how everyone else talked about me behind my back. They would allegedly call me weird (and she claimed to defend me), they’d make fun of my wedding ideas, make fun of my body and my anxiety. She happened to be there every single time they talked about me, so that should have been a red flag. And yet I was dumb enough to believe her. I ended the friendship with a sense of uncertainty on how much she influenced the divide between what could have been a great relationship between me and everyone else – though I know there were other factors in that, but their actions against my family was too much at the time.

Before I ended the friendship, I gave her a heads up a month in advance that I was going to remove everyone from social media and get some space to get my head on right. I had already removed a couple people because of their actions (both directly and through the grapevine, to my knowledge my worst offense was being socially inept).

I truly think she used my removing her from social media as an excuse to tell everyone else that I was a bad friend, a bad mom, a bad everything – when the day before she would tell me how great I was, proud of my successes, happy that my husband and I found a new place, telling me that things would be so much better at the new place.

It makes me wonder what type of mask she was wearing when I wasn’t around. There were red flags, but I remained optimistic, until she continued to harass me via other people.

Anyway, why am I bringing all of that old news up, you may ask?

Well, it’s come to my attention that a get together is happening in June (or is it July? I can’t remember) with this group (minus the former friend that I spent way too long talking about above), and my husband wants me to go. Do I want to go? Not particularly, because of how I was treated by the other members of the group, which I feel was unwarranted – especially given that I asked one person who had a huge problem with me, unknown how much of that was influenced by the former friend, if we could sit down and talk. I wanted to get a better understanding of why she felt resentment towards me or why she felt that I was fake for being friends with someone who was supposed to be her best friend, if there was a way I could fix things, or if there was a personality flaw that I needed to work on, or maybe it was something going on with her. The talk never happened so all of that was left unanswered and I kinda just gave up.

So now I’m at a point of having to decide if I want to put myself in a position that might set me back mentally, for the sake of my family. We’ll see how the next couple months go. Like I said above, maybe I need to hit the reset button?

OH! I almost forget to mention that St. Patrick’s Day is this Sunday so obviously I’m gonna have to make a post with some food. Look out for that! Until next time!

Quick GUNS workout

This week is going to be CRAZY busy, but mama still needs to get her workout in. Today is upper body day and this is what today’s workout looked like:

3×8 Standing V-raise
3×8 Bent Over Row
3×10 Hammer Curls
3×8 Alternating Bicep Curls
3×8 Tricep Extension
3×10 Alternating Tricep Rows
3×8 Shoulder Press

Then I did my AM stretches – and boy did I feel STIFF!

As for my absence, I started a new medication and it’s caused quite a bit of fatigue, so my last two workouts have been a struggle. I didn’t have the energy to even write them down before I took a nap.

Anywho, I gotta jet. I hope you all are having a fantastic, productive Monday!

ABtastic Tuesday!

I’m gonna keep this short and sweet, because it has been QUITE the day, and for whatever reason, this workout was a lot harder than I anticipated. I did about 20 minutes of kitchen cardio as well:

Hip Thrusts 3×15
Butterfly Crunch 3×15
Side planks (3x 1 min each side)
Bicycle crunch (3x 1 minute)
Supermans (3x 30seconds)
Back extensions (3x 30seconds)

Hope everyone had an awesome Tuesday!

Monday GUNday

Good morning my beautiful followers! As the title suggests, it’s an upper body day. I’m going to keep things short and sweet today, rather than adding my commentary because ya girl has a bunch of tasks to do on this fine Monday!

3×8 Standing V-raise (3 lbs)
(going into)
Whitney Simmons Shoulder Day IG Post
(going into)
3×8 Hammer Curls (10lb each)
3×8 In n Out Curls (10lb each)
3×8 Tricep Extension (10lb)
3×6 Oil Riggers
3×10 Tricep Dips

I didn’t time my workout and I still have about 30 minutes of kitchen cardio to do, but WOO! Mama feels GREAT! Have a wonderful Monday and rest of the week, everyone!

Buffalo Cauliflower Bites | VEGAN

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared a recipe with you guys, and I figured since I had some downtime, I’d share a current favorite in the house! I’ve tried a few different cauliflower recipes in this house from garlic parmesan roasted bites, cauliflower rice – next I absolutely need to try a flavorful cauliflower crust recipe – but these bites are hands-down a favorite!

These are vegan, if you’re into that, by the way! Let’s just dive right in!

Ingredients:

1 head of cauliflower
1/2 C  water
1/2 C  soy milk
3/4 C  flour
2 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp cayenne
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp cajun seasoning
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 pepper
Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees
  2. Cut the cauliflower into florets
  3. Combine everything except Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce into a bowl and whip into a smooth mixture
  4. Toss the florets into the creamy mixture and blend until fully covered
  5. Place covered florets onto a lined and sprayed/greased cookie sheet and bake for about 20 minutes
  6. Remove the tray from the oven and pour a generous amount of Frank’s RedHot Buffalo sauce over the florets, then place the tray back into the oven for an additional 10-15 minutes
  7. Remove the tray once again and VOILA! Get yourself some dip and have yourself some cauliflower bites!

I hope you enjoy this recipe!

A surprising loss + A week of workouts

This week was one of the hardest in terms of the whole “sugar free” challenge. You’d be surprised where added sugar is hiding. I was pretty disappointed over the fact that I didn’t get to drink my Bolthouse Farms Mocha Cappuccino protein drink (40g added sugar PER SERVING… there’s two servings per bottle, whaaaaat).

I haven’t missed a workout yet, which I’m pretty pleased about – though I think yesterday’s ab session was a little meh, due to my anxiety being absolutely insane. Before I get into my measurements and weight, I wanted to share the workouts I did this week (and will do today).

Monday and Tuesday are already logged, of course.

Wednesday I did my Upper Body Slay (and I have that planned for today as well)

Thursday I did the same as Tuesday’s workout, except with less oomph.

Now it’s time to get into what we’ve all be waiting for. My weight: it flickered between 154 and 156. Af first I was worried because…. um… hello, I’ve been working out, moving more, sorta sleeping regularly. But I gained? Then it sunk in… dude, you’ve been working out. Weighted workouts, resistance, cardio. Of course you gained. Your muscles are probably growing, silly! Admittedly I haven’t eaten much this week, which is a problem that I need to sort out as well.

So while I lost fat in my arms (thank goodness), I gained muscle in my legs! I’ve been doing a lot more kitchen cardio and I walk outdoors when I can.

Weight: +0-2lbs
Inches: -1.5 (overall)

I’m feeling a lot more motivated seeing that progress, but the biggest challenge is going to be NOT OBSESSING.

I did not want to do this workout.

Today was a rough momming day. Or at least that’s how it felt by 4 o clock. I woke up, got my BANG, did my morning stretches and the rest of my morning routine (which I won’t bore you with). I did kitchen cardio after that, and debated whether or not to save my mid-section workout for right after, or nap time… Neither happened.

I didn’t get to my workout until almost 8:30 pm! I wanted to be in bed by that time, but mom life is the hard life, lemme tell ya! I was feeling so discouraged that I wanted to just grab all of the naan in the fridge and eat it, and say screw the workout.

But I didn’t because ya girl needs to SHAPE UP! So after the boys went to bed, I took a deep breath, played 15 minutes of a video game, and told myself it was time to get that workout in. It was rough and you can tell how weak my midsection is just by looking at what little I managed to do, but the key is that I got it done.

Ab/Lower Back Moves:

Reverse crunch 3×15
Hip Thrusts/Bridge Pulses 3×20
Side crunch 3×12 (per side)
Butterfly crunch 3×15
Planks 3x (30 sec, 45 sec, 1 min)
Supermans 3×6 (hold 10-15 sec)
Back extensions 3x 30 sec

Sometimes being stubborn pays off! Tomorrow is upper body day, so I might have something new to share with you guys. Bye for now!

Legs and Booty | Monday Workout

February is going to come with a lot of different challenges (no added sugar, 5 workouts a week, two being core-centric, on top of everything I’m already trying to achieve). I measured myself today – something I completely forgot to do on Friday – and I weighed myself, unfortunately after I had already drank half of my day’s worth of water so it may have been skewed.

I’m not too pleased with the results, but I know I gave myself a break on our vacation, so I’m trying to see that as “happy” weight. HOWEVER, it’s crunch time… literally! No, not literally because it’s lower body day, but I mean it’s time to kick this FABuary off. The first of this week’s five workouts is my bootylicious workout with more moves, as follows (with pictures below):

Clamshells 3×10 (each side)
Donkey kicks 3×10 (each side)
Inner Thigh Lifts 3×15 (each side)
Bridge Thrusts 3×20
Grasshoppers 3×12

Clamshells:

Donkey Kicks:

Inner Thigh Lift:

Bridge Thrust:

Grasshopper:

My lower body is sore as hell, but it’ll all pay off eventually. Three months from now, I’ll be glad I kept going.