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Relapsing | Part of the Process

It’s Friday, or French Fries-Yay!

If you haven’t kept up with my youtube channel, you may not know of the struggle I’ve been going through as of late, and I really don’t go that in depth on my most recent video. So here’s my chance to explain how things are going, in real time. If you’d like to check out the video before continuing, it’s right here:

 

I’ve found that I’m still having these very destructive, disordered thoughts running through my brain. Whenever I have to decide what to eat, it feels like there’s this violent onslaught of extreme self-deprecation. Last night, I wanted to make something easy after my workout, so I made a protein shake and had a small bowl of pasta. I really wish I had taken a picture so you could understand what I mean when I say I’m very conscious of how little I’m consuming, but I’m struggling to actually go through the act of consuming.

I know better than to expect my mind to fix itself over night. I know better than to assume it’s going to just fix itself altogether. I’ve been preoccupying myself with my three separate youtube channels, my novel, my reading goals, and my family. I’m constantly working at building my empire, so much so that when I finally managed to stop, this very morning – staring at the poptart that my son didn’t finish, debating whether or not I really wanted to put something like that in my body – I realized that the very foundation of my empire is based around health, physical and mental.

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After being pregnant and giving birth twice – the latter being the healthiest mental state I had ever been in – I never thought I would relapse. Understand that I don’t mean to trivialize those with substance abuse problems; that’s a huge battle in itself for so many people. I’m not really sure what the proper term to use would be when it’s been more mental than physical.

I know that this still wasn’t as eloquent as I’m trying to convey, but it’s the best I can do at the moment. I expect a lot of frustration, anxiety, and self-deprecation in my future, but know that it’s not a battle I’m going to just roll over for, just because the opponent seems so daunting.

I’m in this battle to win. And I will.

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Recipe: Tunami Sandwich

Ok, guys, you caught me. I’m a fraud. I absolutely admit to stealing the name from Bob’s Burgers. If I’m being honest, the name definitely should be reserved for something a little more epic than this little sandwich. But since I can’t think of anything else in my 5 month post-partum brain, we’re gonna stick with it.

Do you ever have one of those days where you just don’t know what to make so you search your cupboards and pantry to throw something together? Yeah, that’s pretty much my life. I like to think of it as Improv: The Theatre of Life (or in this case, the Kitchen but I digress).

Luckily, the chances of you having these ingredients are quite high, and surprise you only need 3 ingredients! Plus, you can spice this up, add produce, sliced meats, sauce, you name it!

Continue reading Recipe: Tunami Sandwich

Recipe: Breakfast Bowl For Two!

Ever since my boyfriend and I moved in, I have been cooking like a maniac – which is interesting, considering I’m a baker, not a chef. I’m pretty much Episode 1 of My Drunk Kitchen Hannah Hart. I can follow directions and I know what I like.

Continue reading Recipe: Breakfast Bowl For Two!