Category Archives: Uncategorized

Even Trolls Are Allowed to Feel Pretty

Usually Wednesday is our errand day. We take care of any clothes, groceries, miscellaneous shopping, but my husband got this Tuesday off of work and with the crazy scheduling from here all through April, we decided to do it a day early. Adulting 101 is getting it done ASAP instead of procrastinating like the lazy ogre that we all wish we could be.

Grocery shopping was a breeze, all things considered. We got some goodies for the boys to splurge on for Spring Break-

(ok, try and tell me that’s not what you hear every time someone mentions Spring Break, because my mind automatically plays this clip. On repeat.)

We also got some chocolate milk to bribe the youngest of our kids into pooping in the potty. It worked with the others, so fingers crossed! Knowing my luck, he’ll be more interested in snagging some spicy chips (something we didn’t get because we would go ham on a bag of spicy chips; it wouldn’t last more than a couple hours)! I ended up getting wine and a super delicious but unhealthy pot pie as a reward for finishing a 10k word day hopefully this week – fingers crossed on that one.

I won’t bore you with the rest of our grocery list, because that’s not really the point here, but you know how much ya girl loves to overshare…

After we checked all of our items, paid, and made our way towards the exit, a lovely woman caught my eye. She was wearing this bright as sunshine dress with gold strappy sandals. The whole outfit reminded me of my mission to make this year center around my journey towards becoming a goddess. A savage goddess, but a goddess nonetheless.

I watched as she passed me, having the grace and style to match. She carried herself with an air of freedom that I’ve never had about myself. I’ve always wanted to wear pretty things, but I’ve always felt lumpy and awkward, almost like my only style is workout clothes.

I mean, looking in the mirror, I don’t always like what I see, especially today. My hair is a dishwater mix of blonde and brown that is far too thick for my head, my skin is blotchy and currently breaking out in little bumps all over the place, and no matter how much I try to lose belly and arm fat – it’s just so stubborn.

I turned to my husband as she passed us and said in a low voice, “I wish I could pull off clothes like that.” He looked up at me with a blank expression, asking for clarification. I nodded towards the Sun Goddess, and he grinned at me. “Oh, you definitely can.”

And right at that moment, with all of the elegance of a gassy sea lion, I belched.

“Well, maybe a little less of that.” My husband said before bursting into laughter over my unexpected faux pas. It got me thinking… what makes that woman different? Or any of the people on Instagram I’m following? Or one of my best friends, who’s also struggling to lose the extra weight and feel comfortable in her skin. That best friend has a bunch of adorable dresses which she absolutely SLAYS in.

I have dresses and yet I don’t wear them nearly enough – and summer is coming rapidly. I don’t want to wait to lose X amount of pounds to feel cute in my clothes. Why should anyone have to wait for a specific size to feel good and complete in their own skin?

My goal: Stop dressing down, and start gettin’ comfortable with showing my inner goddess off! Does that mean I’ll stop my weight loss journey? Heck no! But I’m not waiting around for that body either.

Now, if you need a reminder: Look at yourself in the mirror. Even on your worst days, where you feel like a bridge troll, remind yourself that you are a Goddess with so much to offer this world, and you deserve to feel just as lovely as that gorgeous girl in the grocery store!

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Weekend Workout!

The past two days have been pretty groovy… except that my pain flare-ups have been frequent and intense! Not even ibuprofen has helped (no real surprise there). I’ve taken baths, had some massages from my devoted husband, and yet, there I was on my birthday and the day after my birthday. Hurting.

Luckily, walking tends to ease my pain, at least for an hour or so. So I went for a nice, brisk walk for about 30 minutes each day. Still, the pain returned. It was all right, I still managed to get done all the things I needed to, though I definitely crashed a LOT earlier than I usually would.

Since I missed my strength training workouts for those two days, I decided to do my best on the weekend, which brings me to my first workout that I managed with minimal pain! Today I decided to do legs and booty, check it out:

Alternate leg lifts: 3×8 side, 3×8 back
Plie squats: 3×10
Calf raise: 3×12
Seated calf raise with 20lb weight: 3×10
Squats: 3×10

I still have to do my cardio, which will be walking with the kiddos on our favorite trail after naptime. I hope everyone is having a groovy weekend!

Building That Willpower Muscle

There’s no denying the biological reaction we get from food. Certain foods satisfy us for shorter periods, resulting in consuming more food and gaining weight. This is common knowledge.

What’s not common knowledge, or at least not practiced as much as exercise, is the use of willpower. It’s tough to break the cycle of turning to food that doesn’t satiate you, but using that metaphorical muscle known as willpower – warning, this is not the same for those who have been diagnosed with a food addiction, that’s a whole different psychological ball game.

Today, I practiced my willpower. To start the day, I had water. I had a doctor appointment, and I don’t know about you guys, but if my body is getting checked out, I don’t feel too hungry until I’ve had my peace of mind from the appointment. “Oh, I’m good to go? Groovy, time for an avocado salad, thank you!”

Luckily my appointment was early enough in the morning that I didn’t have to worry too much about hunger. After my appointment it was time to get groceries, but my husband and littlest kiddo were hungry, so where did they go? Oh, just Dunkin’ Donuts. No big.

Did the donut queen have any, though? No, I did not. And it’s not exactly that I didn’tĀ want a donut… but I didn’t feel a particular necessity to get one. In recent months, I would have been on top of it, but after analyzing my erratic food behavior (restrict for awhile, go ham one day, eat at maintenance the next, etc.), I was able to ascertain what my body needed and legitimately craved. What I really needed to do was break the habit of being irregular with my food habits!

For one, I wanted a soy chai latte, because those drinks are delicious and don’t upset my stomach the way coffee and espresso have lately. After grocery shopping, we stopped at Starbucks and headed home. 310 kcals and 60g of carbs! Usually that would be way too much for me in a single sitting, but ya girl needed the energy, let me tell you!

The grocery shopping itself went so smoothly. I mean, we spent about an hour and a half getting everything (or at least almost everything) we needed, so we got some good movement in. Though I still have a leg workout and my kitchen cardio to do!

Yesterday, even, I was surprised at how smart I was being with my food choices – because I kept my goal in mind. My birthday is tomorrow and I have a feeling the pizza I have picked out, won’t even be entirely annihilated, not by me anyway.

Building that willpower, making better choices, staying active – all comes from the amount of effort you put into it. You can’t expect to build deltoids by sitting at a computer all day, nor can you burn fat by doing nothing. It takes dedication, and what’s helping me is keeping that end goal in my line of sight. AT. ALL. TIMES.

 

Lessons We Learn From Spring

My birthday is on the cusp of this season of awakenings and rebirths, so naturally I wanted to share my thoughts on this season. There are many perks to Spring, not limited to:

  • well, my birthday, of course *straightens my Goddess leaf headpiece*
  • the smell of rain showers
  • unpredictable weather making every day an adventure
  • some goodies are in season, like spinach, kale, and asparagus
  • beautiful flowers are in bloom

With all of the obvious, tangible things that Spring brings, there are also deeper lessons we can all learn and appreciate from this beautiful, refreshing season.

The beauty after the storm:

Beautiful things happen after some of the darkest times, and just like the storms feeding the flowers, these dark times feed our need to persevere. There’s a calm clarity that comes after every depression I find myself slumped in (diagnosed BPD, but I think this can be related to those who aren’t mentally ill).

Patience is bitter but its fruits are sweet:

I’ve noticed that even with my own generation, there’s a need to do everything with speed. There’s a sort of desperation as though the very life is dependent on how quickly you can deliver, but taking time to put in the effort and make something beautiful produces a much better result than rushing through it blindly. In the age of instant-gratification, it’s a challenge, but nothing good ever came easy.

It’s never too late to turn a new leaf:

Each year the trees lose their leaves and in the spring they grow and become elegant once again. Why contain ourselves to seasons when we have every single day to start fresh? Every morning, you have the choice to start the day with a positive attitude, to be productive, to look at yourself in the mirror and recite affirmations. There will be bad days, but not every day needs to start with the fear that it’s going to be that way.

Nothing lasts forever:

Just as those bad days don’t last forever, neither do positive affirmations guarantee a perpetually happy mood. Embracing the highs and the lows for what they are, rather than resisting the latter, is much more beneficial. A study was done on embracing bad days, which stated that doing so makes it less likely for subjects to experience persistent negative emotions in following months.

In short, stop and smell the roses. Life moves at much too fast a pace to be on a constant grind. Enjoy yourself and take in the surroundings, play in the sunshine, splash in the puddles. Live life!

 

Strong ARM-ing This Monday

It’s Monday, and you know what that means! Working these guns!

[edit: I totally forgot to post this because after writing this post out, life got busy and then I managed to crash at 10pm, so this is probably going to be a double post kinda day… my bad!]

Ordinarily I like to get my workout done in the morning, but I didn’t have time, so it was 3pm by the time I was free to get my sweat on. Check out my moves down below. All done with 10 lb dumbbells!

Kitchen cardio: 3 – 10 minute increments
Breaking my cardio into 10 minute increments has been a lot more convenient for me, given that it wasn’t nap time. I could do 10 minutes jogging in place, followed by a diaper change, 10 more minutes, oh it’s time to switch the laundry, 10 more minutes, and time to prepare dinner!

Bicep/Back:

3×5 Dumbbell front raise into press
3×8 Hammer curls
3×6 Bent-over reverse fly
3×8 Dumbbell back rows
3×10 Alternate bicep curl

I would have liked to include one or two more exercises, but I was crunched for time so this is where I left it. I’d say it was a pretty decent workout – definitely not overworking myself like I usually do. I’m learning to practice the popular phrase of “pace yourself”.

Another food battle

I guess this isn’t so much a battle as a personal issue in my work to repair my relationship with food, but I digress.

Today, my husband and I were debating where to get food for dinner. My first thought was Panda Express, but since it was only him going, I knew the ordering of food would be… eh, difficult? I think that’s the simplest way to put it without sounding like a complete jackass.

So I was like, ok how about Subway instead? After an interesting exchange about the stereotypes of women not being able to make up their minds with food, we landed on that second choice of Subway.

I got a spicy Italian (something I haven’t had in years, but I had a hankering for it), with lettuce, bell peppers, and strangely enough, red onions. Why is it strange, you might ask unless you literally could not care less? Well, I’m not overly fond of any type of onion, let alone in sandwiches but for some reason, I just really wanted red freakin’ onions!

My husband got home, we ate our sandwiches (I added some of my sliced jalapenos from the fridge) while watching another episode of Dexter (*spoiler alert* the one where Miguel cheats on his wife with LaGuerta). After we finished our sandwiches, my husband mentioned he bought some chocolate chip cookies too.

Here’s the thing. Last night on snapchat, my friend posted her freshly baked chocolate chunk cookies. I could practically taste them, and I don’t even like sweets. My husband is the cookie monster in this household!

So I had an inner debate on whether or not I should take one. I was full, so I didn’t need it. But that craving from last night could be satisfied still, right? The extra calories might not be worth it though…

After the back and forth, I decided to take one. I bit into it’s chewy exterior and savored the flavor of… soap. Why did my chocolate chip cookie taste like something I’d wash my dishes with?

I relayed the thought to my husband, who found no issue with his own cookie, and couldn’t help feel disappointed, and confused.

Was this a sign that I shouldn’t have taken a cookie? Were my taste buds mixing signals? Was my medication affecting taste now, too? Ever since starting, I’ve definitely noticed a difference in what I gravitate towards with my food.

Hopefully I can take the next couple of weeks to reflect and answer those questions, to pay attention to my emotions and thought processes when I eat. Maybe then I’ll be able to shut down the negative feelings. A girl can hope!

The Struggle Is REAL (and other updates)

Oh goodness, what’s it been? Three weeks?? 100% my bad!

Last week, I did a week of Whitney (which I’ll share with you guys in April when I do it again) but I couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to write a post. My meds have made me both nauseous and fatigued ever since I started them last month!

I’m getting ahead of myself already. Hi, hello, how are ya? Enjoying the weather change? We, the desert people, got SNOW last month. WHAT??

It was cold, but I miss it already. Earlier this week, it ended up getting pretty cold again and the mountains got some snow, but unfortunately, that cold crunchy goodness didn’t make its way back to us. Excuse me while I cry in my corner.

The transition from February to March was a rough one, mainly because of my meds but ever since my body has started adjusting (other than the fatigue and nausea which persist every day), I’ve come to a point of clarity: where I need to put more focus in, what I’ve decided to scrap, realizing that I need to hit the reset button on a few parts of my life.

This is gonna be a long one, I think, so strap in.

For starters, (beating a dead horse here but) my meds have definitely evened me out, though I still dip into my dissociative states. The only time I have any physiological anxiety symptoms is if I drink too much caffeine. Incidentally, the past week and a half of drinking coffee or espresso has resulted in some pretty bad cases of nausea, so I’ve stopped drinking my favorite beverage.

As for my physical well being. My March goals have basically been to work out 3-4 times a week, which I can proudly say I’ve accomplished! I mean, so far, it’s still only halfway through the month lol

Moving on to my YouTube channels: I privated most of my videos on my macrobabe channel because I felt like vlogging just wasn’t fun anymore, and if I vlog I want it to be because I have something of value to say or share, but not vlogging has shown me that I enjoy being present and not recording every moment of my life. It’s a lot more work than some folks realize. My booktube is still active because bookish goals are what I’m focusing on at the moment, and my commentary channel has slowed down in terms of content, because of my March goals.

Regarding my March goals, the main goal has been to flesh out and start writing my second novella, and plot the third. Since my other laptop died, I lost 99% of the information I had on the second in the series, which I think is a bit of a blessing. I dove head first rather than re-acquainting myself with my characters.

I’ve been doing tons of reading this month as well, 50% have been audiobooks, my new love. An audiobook I’m listening to currently is May Cause Miracles – a spirit junkie book that helped me a ton when I was having a hard time with my anxiety and identity issues a year and a half ago, so I want to see if I can start the 40 day program again with similar results. I felt so much better about myself when I did it, so it’s worth a shot, right?

On to a more serious topic that I’ve barely scratched the surface of on my commentary channel, and I told a few friends and my husband that I would be keeping things anonymous, should I decide to talk about it more:

I made a friend last year that pretty much turned my entire world upside down. I had a growing relationship with a group of people that she was a part of, and upon sparking a friendship with me, she made me think she was just like me – a mom trying to stay healthy, dealing with some mental health issues. I didn’t realize that it was likely a manipulation tactic.

She made it clear that there was a bitterness over how I was being treated by everyone else, and hinted that our friendship would cause a rift in the group, which I didn’t understand, I figured this would bring everyone closer together.

She slowly integrated gossip into our conversations which used to revolve around pregnancy, past abuse, depression and anxiety, and getting healthy. Through this gossip, she made me believe that everyone in the group would use her and then intentionally exclude her or make her feel bad about herself.

Eventually she told me about anyone who was her enemy at the time and complain about them, sharing their very personal information with me (whether it was her dad, her brother, her boyfriend, her long distance bff, her bff in the group, coworkers, everyone). I told her at the start of our friendship that I’m an open book, but I’m not graceful when it comes to social settings so if I mess up, just tell me.

At the time, I didn’t act out of malicious intent because I liked everyone, and I kept things in perspective. If person A snapped at me, I didn’t take it personally because I knew what person A was going through. She would take everything person A did to her as a personal assault against her, until I swooped in and reminded her that they were going through a lot! In terms of her, I was the first person she talked to whenever she was going through something. I’d gas her up, give her advice.

At one point she told me that I shouldn’t trust a person she and I were communicating with because that person was telling everyone else what the three of us talked about – what, jokes and the fact that she complained about the rest of the group not wanting the new person around? Direct quote: “Be careful, becauseĀ person A told me you weren’t welcome at her house.” If you heard from a third party that you weren’t welcome in someone else’s home, wouldn’t you want to clear things up with the person directly? But I shouldn’t trust her because she confronted a pretty big issue head-on, something that I wasn’t even involved in?

Then she started talking about how everyone else talked about me behind my back. They would allegedly call me weird (and she claimed to defend me), they’d make fun of my wedding ideas, make fun of my body and my anxiety. She happened to be there every single time they talked about me, so that should have been a red flag. And yet I was dumb enough to believe her. I ended the friendship with a sense of uncertainty on how much she influenced the divide between what could have been a great relationship between me and everyone else – though I know there were other factors in that, but their actions against my family was too much at the time.

Before I ended the friendship, I gave her a heads up a month in advance that I was going to remove everyone from social media and get some space to get my head on right. I had already removed a couple people because of their actions (both directly and through the grapevine, to my knowledge my worst offense was being socially inept).

I truly think she used my removing her from social media as an excuse to tell everyone else that I was a bad friend, a bad mom, a bad everything – when the day before she would tell me how great I was, proud of my successes, happy that my husband and I found a new place, telling me that things would be so much better at the new place.

It makes me wonder what type of mask she was wearing when I wasn’t around. There were red flags, but I remained optimistic, until she continued to harass me via other people.

Anyway, why am I bringing all of that old news up, you may ask?

Well, it’s come to my attention that a get together is happening in June (or is it July? I can’t remember) with this group (minus the former friend that I spent way too long talking about above), and my husband wants me to go. Do I want to go? Not particularly, because of how I was treated by the other members of the group, which I feel was unwarranted – especially given that I asked one person who had a huge problem with me, unknown how much of that was influenced by the former friend, if we could sit down and talk. I wanted to get a better understanding of why she felt resentment towards me or why she felt that I was fake for being friends with someone who was supposed to be her best friend, if there was a way I could fix things, or if there was a personality flaw that I needed to work on, or maybe it was something going on with her. The talk never happened so all of that was left unanswered and I kinda just gave up.

So now I’m at a point of having to decide if I want to put myself in a position that might set me back mentally, for the sake of my family. We’ll see how the next couple months go. Like I said above, maybe I need to hit the reset button?

OH! I almost forget to mention that St. Patrick’s Day is this Sunday so obviously I’m gonna have to make a post with some food. Look out for that! Until next time!

Quick GUNS workout

This week is going to be CRAZY busy, but mama still needs to get her workout in. Today is upper body day and this is what today’s workout looked like:

3×8 Standing V-raise
3×8 Bent Over Row
3×10 Hammer Curls
3×8 Alternating Bicep Curls
3×8 Tricep Extension
3×10 Alternating Tricep Rows
3×8 Shoulder Press

Then I did my AM stretches – and boy did I feel STIFF!

As for my absence, I started a new medication and it’s caused quite a bit of fatigue, so my last two workouts have been a struggle. I didn’t have the energy to even write them down before I took a nap.

Anywho, I gotta jet. I hope you all are having a fantastic, productive Monday!

First Weighted Workout of 2019!!!

I haven’t been too in depth about my chronic pain with you folks, but let’s just say my weighted workouts have been fewer and farther in between as 2018 progressed. It seemed that no amount of “rest” or “recovery” time helped. To clarify: my body rarely hurts when I’m active, and in fact I feel pretty good for 30 minutes to a couple hours afterwards, but as the months dragged on, my bad pain days became a lot more common than my feel-good days, which makes finding the motivation to lift weights a bit of a challenge.

However, I’m pleased to say that I did my very first weighted workout of the year – 10 days in, not too bad if you ask me! Down below I’ve got my delt before pic and the exercises that I did. Hopefully I can build my delt muscles and lose some fat.

“Before” pic:

Exercises (sets)x(reps):

3×6 Double Forward Dumbbell Raise – 10 lbs
3×8 Bent Dumbbell Rows (alternating b/n wife and closed rows) – 20 lbs
3×8 Lateral Raise – 20 lbs
3×6 Shoulder Press – 20 lbs
3×5 Back Fly – 20 lbs
1 minutes of Prayer Pumps

There may be days, or weeks even, where I won’t be able to work out. I’m slowly learning to accept that. For now, I’m incredibly proud of this workout, and if you’re interested in hearing more or following along this journey, stay tuned because tomorrow I’ll have my weigh-in and more!

I FAILED My Resolutions & That’s Ok!

I remember how stoked I was in December 2017 to set my goals for the following year (ahem, hi 2018). I thought they were achievable even though I made sure they were BIG. Go big or go home, right? But I also had a lot of secret goals that I didn’t want to share with everyone until I was close to achieving them (like shedding back and hip fat).

Imagine my absolute shock (sense the sarcasm) when I did NOT achieve all of my goals! Let me break it down for you (or you can go to my original post here).

These are the goals I WANTED to achieve:

  • Wear a bikini (with confidence) by swimming season
  • Improve form and posture
  • Two Macrobabe videos per week
  • Experiment with new recipes
  • SPREAD POSITIVITY

And theses are the goals I actually achieved:

  • Wear a bikini (with confidence) by swimming season
  • Improve form and posture
  • Two Macrobabe videos per week
  • Experiment with new recipes
  • SPREAD POSITIVITY (by a technicality)

At the time, I wanted to feel and look good, and I wanted to feel right in my skin. But my pain, which I thought was from pushing myself too hard and pulling muscles left and right, became chronic. It has caused me to slip into a very negative mindset, like a stick in the mud.

So no, I did not wear my bikini with confidence in myself (and I know there are people watching this blog who have called me fake and that I fake confidence, and I definitely have faked confidence, but if it gets me closer to the mindset I want, why is that a bad thing? At least I’m not faking friendships…). I wore a bikini and had a good time with friends (who, despite me leaving the friendship, and contrary to what they want to believe, I have no ill will towards lol).

I improved my form and posture, but it wasn’t from persistence in my workouts because I stopped working out with weights as much, and I decreased my cardio quite a bit. I ended up doing a lot more yoga and to this day still stretch twice a day. When I’m at my computer editing or watching TV or even eating a meal, I try to be mindful of my shoulders, back, and hips.

I absolutely failed in my macrobabe uploads. I know I harp on it, but my pain has felt like such a weight against me. Be forewarned though, I’m documenting my journey to getting a diagnosis and getting better, and it might get ranty and annoying!

On the plus, I did pretty amazing with my recipe experimenting. My family and I have tried a bunch of different types of food as a result of this goal. I couldn’t be happier! Recipes to come in this next year, hopefully (no promises, because let’s be honest, I am trash at commitment).

By a technicality, I spread some positivity. I felt as though I was a good influence for awhile and I’ve been determined to put on my positive pants, but I allowed an extremely toxic person in my life, who even though I was warned about, I wanted to believe I could be a positive influence to them. But it turned out they were like… a vampire, sucking all of my good vibes, telling me about how everyone else bad-mouthed me, and making me feel so isolated in a place that I thought I was welcomed. I allowed that to sit and poison me instead of reaching out to those other people for an explanation, to help fix the relationships with the others. Again, I’ve pushed through it, and though I don’t have any ill will towards any of them, I definitely intend on telling my story eventually and live my best life with all of them in the past.

By no means am I perfect, and I don’t pretend to be, but I’m still proud of the little that I accomplished. At the very least, I can say I’m a person who tries her hardest and has good intentions. I look forward to working on flaws and sharing my 2019 New Year’s Resolutions with all of you, even if resolutions are designed to fail.

I’ll see you all in the New Year. 2019, here we come!